I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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