Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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