It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
