Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
