Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
