if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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