just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
