I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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