I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
