yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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