I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
