I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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