I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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