Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
