He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
pray to the hookup gods
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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