Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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