Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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