Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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