Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
