She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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