Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
