i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
