Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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