I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Define "chronic" masturbator.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
