Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
