I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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