I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
