i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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