I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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