i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
