I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
