Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
