Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
