i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
