It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
