i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
