haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
