well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
