i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't turn off my feet"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
