i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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