In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
