U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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