If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
