I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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