i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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