Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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