I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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