Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
