just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
