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And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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