I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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