Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
