i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
