I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
