My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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