Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
