Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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