Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
